Holding On To What I Haven't Got.

I honestly don't think I can let go and that I'll never get over you...

Fred's Tapedeck Vol. 1

Pulled an all-nighter last night and I'm trying to stay awake until my work shift begins in about 3hrs, so I figured I'd just compile a list of what music I've been blasting through my ears, at the moment. Sadly, I'm currently in a struggle to regain all of the music that I once had (but lost), so I don't have much of a selection/collection...

Contradiction of last entry...

On nights like this I begin to fade...

So, yeah.

Life. Is. Fucking. Good.

Kanye West - Blame Game (f. John Legend & Chris Rock)

Just felt like posting a song that I can relate to on almost every aspect since I have nothing interesting to talk about tonight.

It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.

Note: This entry is going to jump all over the place. Have fun.

Pain. Hurt. Sadness and loneliness. Bought all of that shit up. Tossed it away to the bottomless pit. The part of my mind that slips. The part of my mind so sick.

Rebuilding oneself from the ground up takes strength, courage, patience, and self-discipline. Rebuilding oneself from the ground up when you've lost all of the required necessities to do so over the past year (mainly the past few months) is a beast of it's own, but it's exactly what I've been doing. It's exactly what I need to do.

How come...

Everytime I start to get a grasp on my life and things start going good, some bullshit has to happen at the exact same time? Found out a few minutes ago that my uncle had a stroke and half of his face is paralyzed now. Fuck. Don't even know what to think. I just saw him less than a week ago too. I guess, I should be thankful that nothing more resulted from it, but still.

Fuck.

You wanted...

A man who would love you.
A man who would support you in your interests, beliefs, desires, and choices.
A man who would protect you.
A man who would fight for you even when it seemed hopeless.
A man who would see every imperfect as another reason for your perfection and beauty.
A man who would move onto the next step with you and start a marriage and a family.
A man who would view you as the center of his universe.
A man who would remain faithful.
A man who would be honest.
A man who would choose you before anything else.

You had all of that... yet you decided to throw that all away for another man.

Fuck it. Done trying.

Girls are retarded. Honestly. Their entire life they run around saying they want the best guy for them, one who will fight for them, love them, then when they have that guy, they just walk away cause some new guy walks into their life. So, they throw away everything they built with the guy they should be with for a relationship that's destined to fail.

Done trying to get her back. Done making someone a priority who has only made me a memory until she realizes the mistake she made. Done with everything. Can't say I didn't try. I put everything forward. Made myself the most vulnerable I have ever been only to be ignored. Whatever.

Tick... tock... tick... tock...

I wish I could sleep at night again. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk...

Pick Ups: October 19-20, 2010

Tuesday means paycheck. Paycheck means money. Money means I get to blow it all on the majority of shit I don't need. So, here's a list of what I blew all of my money on this Tuesday (and Wednesday).

New Beginnings?

Haven't written my thoughts or views on things in a long time. Used to help me through the darkest of times, figured I'd give it a go again. Try and make sense of things. Find the good in the terrible.

Here's to a new beginning at something that I once cherished and used to my advantage: my love of writing and expressing myself. Something I lost track of a long, long time ago. Maybe if I do this, I'll be able to sleep again at night. Maybe a second won't feel like an eternity. Maybe I'll figure out who the fuck I actually am again. Maybe I'll find it within me to bring back the thing I love most.