Haven't written my thoughts or views on things in a long time. Used to help me through the darkest of times, figured I'd give it a go again. Try and make sense of things. Find the good in the terrible.
Here's to a new beginning at something that I once cherished and used to my advantage: my love of writing and expressing myself. Something I lost track of a long, long time ago. Maybe if I do this, I'll be able to sleep again at night. Maybe a second won't feel like an eternity. Maybe I'll figure out who the fuck I actually am again. Maybe I'll find it within me to bring back the thing I love most.
Maybe we're meant to lose what we desire and adore the most to realize just how badly we needed it in the first place? While something new might come along to take your mind off of it, it will never truly get you to the point you were once at. This can be applied to my loss of interest in writing down my thoughts as well as countless other things; like the loss of a friend, family member, faith, or love. Once we realize this, it may be too late. We may have waited too long to come to such a conclusion and a door that you always thought would be opened has suddenly shut in your face for good. We have to act upon our actions now. Figure out what we want. What we need. What we're willing to sacrifice and whether or not the negatives that can easily be fixed by simply communicating with another or to oneself are really worth giving up something that makes you entirely happy and at peace. Anything can be fixed.
You can achieve anything you want. Sometimes walking away from something and giving it time is the only possible way of doing this. I'll never know. I've learned to stop dwelling in the past and to never look back. Not even at the good. Holding onto memories is a decision of a fool. While I can understand the notion one would believe this to be a wise decision, I can't look past the fact that looking back on something that was once perfect will only cloud your vision that you will never achieve that position again with whatever it is that brought you the perfection to begin with. This is not the case with anything.
I lost something that I absolutely adored, loved, and cherished recently and I've been trying to find the remedy to fill this void since. I've searched every crater of this Earth for what this magic remedy could be, but to no luck, I haven't found it. This may simply mean that I haven't looked in the right places or tried the right things, but ultimately, I think it means more than that. Time heals all? Wrong. Time just presents you with a chance to "move on" and never truly be who you were in the past or achieve the level of happiness you were once at. You might not be completely lost anymore, but you never truly heal when you lose what matters to you most. You just learn to accept it. You convince yourself that this is what is meant to happen. That the right outcome came from it, which is rarely ever the case. You might not realize this for days, months, even years, but eventually, down the road, when you once again find yourself at a dark spot, whether you walked away from it or you were the one walked away from, you'll look into the past, into your box of memories and you'll find the point in which everything went wrong. The point in which you made the wrong decision to leave something or someone behind. The point in which you made the wrong decision to accept that you lost her. The point where you just said "fuck it, life will get better". It may. It may not. No one knows. Life is about taking risks. Doing things simply to see the outcome.
The sad truth, though, is that more times than less, the risks that you gamble the most on, you lose the most on. Time will surely make you aware of this. This is why I choose to never look back. The past is full of doubt and regret. Things that we wish we could change.
But we can't.
And when we look back is when we make the wrong decision and walk away from something. When we stop fighting. Stop trying. When we realize what we had, but it's too late. You either fucked it up or you walked away. Nothing you can do about that, but pray that we still have time to fix it. To show that person what they truly meant to you, how far you would go for them, and prove that previous actions and incidents don't necessarily paint the future of what is to come. Pray that if we were to walk back to that person, they'd still be willing to take you back with arms open. There's a small window of opportunity for us to act upon this. Most people get caught up with whatever new and fresh thing has entered their life during this window blinds them from the truth and they make stupid decisions that they will ultimately regret for the rest of their life. Never truly seeing what they gave up on and walked away from until it's too late.
Which is the point I find myself at, at the moment. The point of closing my arms. The point where I have to come to a decision and decide whether or not someone will look past whatever is in their life at the moment and see what they gave up on and that it was ultimately the wrong thing to do and come back.
New beginnings are overrated judgement clouding demons that force people into accepting whatever they have at the moment instead of fighting for what they need, whether they realize it or not.
And fate? Fuck fate. There is no such thing. We write our own destiny. The choices and actions we make pave the way for our future. Leaving something to chance or fate is just a sad cover up of saying, "I don't want to do this, but I don't know what else to do, so let's see what happens". Trust me. If you leave anything up to fate, you'll just find yourself alone and feeling stupid in the long run. Maybe not right away. Maybe not for days, months, years... See what I'm getting at with this whole thing? The only time fate actually exists is when it brings something or someone into your life. Most people just ignore this and focus on the negatives of the outcome of fate's actions and walk away. And I feel sorry for those people. The ones willing to leave everything up to chance and just pray that this new thing or new person will work out, because it never does. Even if it does, it's not where you're supposed to be. You just find yourself living a lie for the rest of your life, unable to go back and make the right decision this time around.
People get scared and through that fear they make mistakes. They hurt someone they love more than anything. They run into the arms of someone new. They walk away from someone they love more than anything. They give up waiting for the person they love to realize how their partnering is the only time fate has ever been real and just come back.
People do that because they think they have to. They think it's the best possible answer. Sometimes it is. Most times it's not. They just... run away into hope of a better life, leaving behind what they shouldn't. Knowing this is what I think is the only thing keeping me from truly "moving on", but...
I truly wish the thing that I lost would realize this, for her own sake, but that window is closing.
Slowly, but surely, my arms continue to close...
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