Note: This entry is going to jump all over the place. Have fun.
Pain. Hurt. Sadness and loneliness. Bought all of that shit up. Tossed it away to the bottomless pit. The part of my mind that slips. The part of my mind so sick.
Rebuilding oneself from the ground up takes strength, courage, patience, and self-discipline. Rebuilding oneself from the ground up when you've lost all of the required necessities to do so over the past year (mainly the past few months) is a beast of it's own, but it's exactly what I've been doing. It's exactly what I need to do.
Being as how I'm a perfectionist I tend to box myself into an area that I'll never truly reach. I've learned to let go of that factor. I've held onto having to make everything perfect for far too long. It's one of my biggest weaknesses. Nothing will ever be perfect. I will never be perfect. Even if the impossible were to occur and I were to find myself in a perfect situation (which I have), someone or something (usually myself) would jump in and fuck everything up and watch it collapse.
That's yet another weakness I have. Tearing down walls only to rebuild them. Never understood why I've always done that. Purposely putting myself in a situation where I have the weight of the world resting on my shoulders. I guess, I just like having a challenge. Who knows.
The other day I was reminded just why I'm such a huge fan of Eminem as I am. The main reason has nothing to do with his ability to construct the most complicated wordplay or his phenominal flow (which, sadly, has been going downhill album after album). No. It's his ability to somehow always being capable of making me relate to the words he writes on paper and spits over a beat. Oddly enough, his material seems to always release around the time I need it most. Whether it was The Slim Shady LP and The Marshall Mathers LP being released during my teen-adolescent years when I was constantly angry and wanting to destroy the world for my problems.
Another example is his guest feature on B.o.B.'s "Airplanes Pt. II". That track leaked at a time when I doubted my dreams and aspirations to be a successful film director, writer, and producer the most I have ever done before. Was it coincidence that Em's verse would revolve entirely around pretending what his life would be like if he just gave up on his dream? Now, whenever those doubts resurface, I simply throw that verse on and vibe with it until those thoughts fade.
The most recent example of this came about three days ago. After his collab track with Nicki Minaj leaked and didn't disappoint... because I expected it to be garbage, which is exactly what it was (Em's verses were iight). "Love The Way You Lie Pt. II" off Rihana's upcoming album, Loud, leaked onto the internet. I've been having trouble listening to anything about relationships since the break-up (Kanye's 808's and Heartbreak is an acception as I've used that as therapy for a long time), so I was slightly hestitant about listening to it, since I had already connected to a lot of the lyricism present within the first part off of Eminem's Recovery album, but I'm uncapable of passing up new Eminem material.
Note: I have always been a closet Rihanna fan.
So, I downloaded it. Pressed play. Rihanna's gorgeous, pain-filled voice bursts through the quiet notes of a piano. I couldn't help but feeling as though the words she was saying were exactly how my ex viewed/views me. I continued to wait, frustation and sadness creeping into my soul, and then, finally, Eminem's verse hits. Was surprised to hear him speak so gentle, since 99.9% of his new material consists of him screaming his lungs out. Not to my surprise, his voice builds and builds into said screaming as he runs through watching the woman he loves walk out on him after a fight.
What was surprising, though, was how much his words would hit me.
"Hug me, then tell me how ugly I am, but that you'll always love me!" Had this very thing happen to me a few weeks back. After being told over and over again how ugly I am on the inside I was told that I would always possess her heart. Which, even at the time, confused and enraged me.
But, no. That wasn't the line that hit me the most. Neither was "With you I'm in my mind, without you I'm fucking out it", "it's morning, you wake, a sunray hits your face, smirred make-up as we lay in the wake of destruction", "run out the room and I'll follow you like a lost puppy, baby without you I'm lost, nothing", "but no matter how many knives we stab in each other's back, we'll always have each other's back, cause we're that lucky!"
No. The hardest hitting moment came when out of nowhere he decides to say a phrase that has meant so much to me for longer than I came remember: "together we'll live forever". Instantly, without warning or control, I relapsed back into the abyss that I was in over the last two months that I finally climbed out. Coincidence? A sign? Who knows.
Why is it that when you're in a relationship/in love/filled with happiness the radio doesn't play love songs, but the second you're not in a relationship/in love with someone you can't have/filled with sadness, loneliness, and doubt that's ALL that is on the radio? Why is that losing a relationship has made me watch other's relationships with such interest? It seems like since I've been single I've been surrounded by couples. I get to be a first hand witness to all of the dark, pointless bullshit that goes on in a relationship that just points that relationship to an end. Why is it that the relationship I was in, one that I've been told was "unhealthy" had none of these things? I haven't been able to wrap that around my mind. If our relationship was that unhealthy than what the fuck is everyone else's relationship? A disaster? Who knows.
I need to stop ending paragraphs with "who knows".
I need to stop making it so complicated to find a new girl/relationship. I need to stop being afraid to make myself as vulnerable as I had made myself before. Stop being afraid to be hurt as badly as I was again. I have countless options and choices of females, at the moment, but I just can't bring myself to pursue them. Before I was doing it because I hadn't gotten over my ex, which, in reality, i still haven't, but I have. If that makes sense. I feel ready to try this again, but I just feel like I need to focus on myself, my goals, and rebuilding myself. I also don't think it would be fair on the women, at the moment. Damn. I loath my 16 year old self, at the moment, to be honest. Yeah, I think I'll just do what I did before and let it come to me and find me. Whenever I've looked for it, I never found it. When I'm against the idea and just at a "whatever" stage is where a 3 year relationship and love birthed. Yeah, I'll go with that again. This loneliness blows. Not having somebody to be my comfort, to lay with, hold, kiss, make love to, wake up beside is the worst. Actually, to be honest, not having her to be my comfort, to lay with, hold, kiss, make love to, wake up beside is the worst. Despite the fact that I don't want her back, I still feel this. Fuck my mind and how I feel/see things.
Sidenote: This white boy Cage has the dopest rhymes. His entire vese on Cudi's MANIAC is phenominal. The entire joint is, but dude really outshines everything else.
What happened to all of my friends? They all either moved away or became a bunch of fuck-ups addicted to drugs and alcohol. Something I won't put myself in the position of delving back into, which, in turn, minimizes my ability to socialize with my friends. Anytime I do so I either get pressured into popping pills, smoking weed, snorting coke, or getting shit-faced for no reason. I don't need that. I don't want that. I might be at a hard spot, but I'm not going to use drugs and alcohol to be happy. That's the dumbest shit I've ever heard. I'll stick with music, movies, and writing as my therapy.
I'm curious to see how I'll handle Saturday at my niece's and nephew's birthday party in Columbus. I'll be the first time I'm around most of the family that will be there since life threw me a curve ball. Also, the first time I've made the trip without her. Last time I was around family was unbareable. All of the questions and just sitting by myself really ate away at me. Granted, that was less than two weeks after it happened. Maybe that I've gotten my mind around this situation and started to rebuild, I'll be able to be okay during it all. Knowing that my nephew started crying when he found out she wouldn't be there hurt and only has me anticipating the same outcome as the last family gathering I went to, though.
These worries are heavy. They rest on my shoulders. My pride, it won't let me fall victim no more. Yeah, life is like that. Beat me up and I'm fighting right back till the truth be gone. I see the devil linger on.
Honestly, I can't wait until I've reached my dream and I've made it big in Hollywood. I'm going to look back at my past and laugh. Everything I'm not has made me everything I am. Everything that has happened will have made me reach that dream.
Getting Out Our Dreams.
End sidenote: KiD CuDi went from saying he's an alien to saying he's a wizard. This, backed by his performance on Jimmy Fallon last night and his incorporation of "GHOST!" (the worst song ever created) on his album only make me feel like this dude is half retarded.
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