Wasted Time

Don't waste your time on someone you think is what you want when in reality, the girl you've always wanted has been next to you in the entire time.

PlayThisWhileYouContemplate

TSTPWRUWJTFALIB

They say the past won't rest, until we jump the fence... and leave it behind.

It was all a dream...

I've come to the conclusion that I'm done trying to make certain things happen. My entire life I've been the guy who puts all his attention and strength into something to see it become a reality or to improve upon it. Sometimes it's worked. Most of the time it's failed. Most of the time I become impatient and do something drastic that sets in motion events that usually lead to a destination I wasn't aiming for.

So, I've decided to try something new. Sit back. Relax. And wait for things to come to me. Face the reality that things won't always play out the way I want/need, despite how hard I try to make them. If something is meant to be, it'll happen eventually. If it doesn't then there's something better in this world and I'll one day have that.

What I do need to put all my focus into is my film-making. I lost all motivation for everything I was passionate about last September and haven't been able to reclaim that passion since. I've tried writing in my screenplay almost every day since then, but get only a few pages in before I lost interest and/or hate what I've put on the pages.

During that time, I've also let the "what if" takeover again. What if you don't make it? What if it's a terrible movie? What if you waste all of your money? People have always told me that it's "just a dream" and it'll never happen. I've always been able to just ignore those comments and keep being convinced by myself and the few people who stood behind me and said I could do this. Those people are all gone now. A best friend I don't recognize anymore. A person I loved so much that I pushed away.

It's just me against the world now. Instead of us.

Her: Blah Blahh Blahhh

When someone tells you to "wait for them" while they "figure things out" and you've already done this once before for the same person, only to have them spit in your face and walk out... why would you allow them the opportunity again?

I'm out.

Blu3(pr!nt)ofthe(FutuRe)

As of late, I've pretty much been on a "fuck it" high. So, to coincident with my new "don't fuck it" high, here's an (at the moment) blueprint for getting my directorial debut, Twisted Fantasy: Sympathy for a Tortured Soul (working title), to the world.

1. Secure a new workplace
2. Purchase a laptop (hopefully Mac)
3. Begin working on the updated draft for the screenplay
4. Purchase a tablet for said laptop
5. Begin animating said screenplay in condensed format into short 5-8 minute film while simultaneously working on the screenplay
6. Secure a composer to compose the musicals score for animated shorts
7. Release said animations to Newgrounds and Youtube to create "awareness" and "hype" for the inevitable film version
8. Once fan-base is secured for the online animated shorts version, put up a donations page towards the film version
9. Compile the animated shorts into a DVD package and sell on Newgrounds and personal website
10. Contact certain small, online companies to co-fund film version for budget and marketing aspects

That's all I got, so far. #11 and on will be determined upon how well #1-10 play out. If only I could write a blueprint for my life. That'd be dope. Too many curveballs and mistakes, though. Oh, well. Heres to the future!

!M!TAT!0N(of)l!fE

| ABC | ABC | ABC | ABC | ABC |

Carbon copy after carbon copy of a carbon copy.

That's how the majority of people can be categorized. Carefully placing each foot into the holes that the person ahead created. They box themselves in. Following an exhausting routine. Enjoying things that they're told to enjoy. Afraid to break out and free themselves from their self-inflicted chains.

The statement that everyone is unique is idiotic. Yes, this is true for an "inner-being" description, but it's not who you are that defines you, it's what you do (thanks, Batman). You can be the most unique and original person in the world, but if you succumb to living a secret identity, you're nothing more than a wasted paradox.

What's up with motherfuckers being afraid of experimenting and going through experiences they don't want? Living in fear of the unknown and ignoring opportunity. How can one progress oneself if they stay rooted in one position? Learn something instead. Things that can't be taught in high school or college. Things that you need to unlock deep within yourself.

I've been thrown numerous curveballs and experiences recently that I didn't or don't want to have to deal with it, but I do. Whether or not I have to, I do. I can choose not to, and sometimes I do, but for the most part I just live with it so I can better myself and learn who I am. How are you going to know just how you feel about something or someone if you've never lost it? How are you going to know to better yourself? Find more morals? Inspiration?

What if?

What if?

What if?

What if?

What if?

You all can continue to read off the script, I'mma write my own.

(PAVEway)

There'sA(L!m!t)2ur(Love)

You meet her and the first eternal cycle of life starts to occur...

 I live in my dreams because in my dreams, you still stand beside me.

Time doesn't heal wounds. Time doesn't make you forget. Time only makes you accept the path that you've been forced down. Nothing more. Nothing less. Time can also throw your expectations and outlooks into a hurricane, never knowing where they'll land. You lose perception of what once made you whom you were.

Time can also make you stronger. Or destroy you.

I've recently taken a break from "me", over the past few months. I put my dreams and aspirations to the side and only worried about the present. I'd taken so much time looking only towards the future where I'd marry the woman I love, start a family, successfully burst into the film-making scene, that I was living there.

Now, I only see that life when I close my eyes. Now I wait for that life to find me.

Bettering myself in almost every aspect. Rejecting old habits and traits that I planned to rid myself of later than sooner. Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I'm hungry. Hungry again like I once was. Hungry for the future that I've dreampt of for the past 10 years. This world will be mine (no, I don't dream of being Hitler).

I haven't written for my screenplay anything in a long time, sadly. A dream is nothing, but everything at the same time. I'm so fuckin' close to achieving that dream that I can almost touch it.

One dream will ultimately become a reality. I know that much. Hollywood is mine for the taking. The other dream... I don't know where that stands anymore. Had someone asked me about it a month or two ago, I would have answered that those days were gone, but recent events have drawn a thin red line directed to the possibility of those days still existing. It's just a hard wire to balance the both of us across. One wrong move, we fall. One second guess, we jump.

Deep down, I've always known I would find myself in this situation. I just built myself too strong to believe in it in fear of disappointment. Now, I find myself in fear of the disappointment that this is all for nothing. I try not to be carried away by the moment, but the paint strokes continue to box me in, again. There's only a small portion of the canvass that remains untouched that would allow me to walk away for good, but the fear hope of the unknown keeps me here.

Unlike many, I've turned fear into motivation. 

What might have been lost don't bother me. The greatest lie I convinced myself of was that I could live without this.

Time doesn't heal wounds. Time doesn't make you forget. Time only makes you accept the path that you've been forced down. Nothing more. Nothing less. You decide whether or not you accept to give in or fight for what you want most.

(H)OPE 4 F(E)A(R)

*Radiohead - All I Need*

(i)Won'tB(Your)2nd(CHO!CE)

 The sun's gone dim and the sky's turned black. I loved her, but she didn't look back...

If I'm not your first, I don't want to be an option at all... but  I can't shake the never ending feeling that I'm living for nothing more than...

(HER)

*Blu - Never Ending (f. Mumbles & Flora Purim)*

Y(r)We@War(???)

 I'll write something again. Eventually. Until then, I leave you with this.

(Fred's)tapedeck(v.II)

 "That secret that you know, that you don't know how to tell... it fucks with your honor."

What've I been listening to over the past week or so? Well...